Saturday, May 8, 2010

Tears and Fears of Moving On

For the past few weeks, my life has been pretty stagnant. It still hurts to think about Cowboy and I haven't seen him or the dogs since the day I left. I moved in with Cowboy's friend from work, she was the only other person that I knew in this town and I might have moved back to Albuquerque without her help. Little things around her house like small tools and notebooks remind me of him, because I was always picking up his tools left everywhere around the house. A large Cat truck like Cowboy's, belonging to her husband, sits in front of their house and he also works with Cowboy. He was glad when I moved in because I started cooking up the elk and moose in their freezer into dishes like lasagna and tostadas. I would cry in my room for hours at first, but now that pain only brings occasional tears and every blue dodge truck I see makes me panic a little until I see it doesn't have Cowboy's custom features on it.

I was reading an American Cowboy magazine left on the pine coffee table one day at my new place, and in the back there was an add for an equestrian dating site. In an effort to replace him and get over him already, I logged on and made a profile. Cowboys all over the country and beyond liked my pictures and started emailing me and it was really overwhelming. I started ignoring emails and have kept in touch with just a few that interested me, but I came to the realization that I didn't want any man in my life right now. Men just seem to get in the way of my dreams by forcing me to focus on them instead.

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